Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
