My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
