How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
