I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
