so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
