my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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