You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize