i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
