The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
