I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
