I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
