What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
