textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
did you just send me my own nude
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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