Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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