I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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