She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
