I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
