You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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