Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize