you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
