I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
