i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
