I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
