she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
