the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
