Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize