every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
