you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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