My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think I am morally bankrupt
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
