obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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