my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
