I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
