What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Rumble strips road head = magical
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
