Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
