That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
