How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize