Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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