I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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