I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
