I think my vagina is haunted
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
