just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
