You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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