Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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