You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
