Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
