OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
