remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
time to smoke my breakfast
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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