apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
