I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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