I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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