You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
