I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
