I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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