i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize