I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
