So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
