its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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