Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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